An excerpt from the required textbook:
“People of all sections, from every walk of life, looked on [George] Washington as the embodiment of American virtues: a man of deeds rather than words; a man of substance accustomed to luxury yet capable of enduring great hardships stoically and as much at home in the wilderness as an Indian; a bold Patriot, quick to take arms against British tyranny, yet eminently respectable. The Revolution might have been won without Washington, but it is unlikely that the free United States would have become so easily a true nation had he not been at its call.”
What? If it wasn’t for Washington, we would be a fake nation? We were once the enslaved United States? Patriot is capitalized in the middle of the sentence when not a proper noun? Being like an Indian is something to be proud of in American culture? Washington alone could’ve made the difference in winning the Revolution but everyone else was replaceable? Really?
Wow, take that Hancock, et al. — you wannabe second-rate founders. We don’t need your stinking written espousals of the ideals that define our country or your crap-ass Constitution. If you wanted to be President, Franklin, you should’ve gotten all Indian in the wilderness. Hey, A-hole Hamilton, more bold Patriot and less respectability. Freaking John “Mirth” Adams and his wilted stoicism! Thanks for the memories, Greene, but The George is available. You should’ve taken the Secretary of War gig when you had the chance.
Oh, and you nameless faceless little people — especially you irrelevant people of color who lack the most important American virtue: whiteness — work on cultivating the embodiment of our virtues because your efforts at *being* Americans is totally not going to cut it. Those of you lacking the virtuous penis and, therefore, incapable of being a man of deeds, there’s no place for you in this historiography — except for Betsy Ross, because we need a mother figure to go with the ironically impotent Father of Our Country. Ooops. Scratch that. Wait. Virility is definitely an American virtue — I’m pretty sure. Did I say that out loud? Screw you, Jefferson — and your slave children. Gentleman George is all we need. He’s the man, and you other lame-o founders should’ve ponied up.